Many years back I had this lovely friend who had just been married to her husband she'd dated for four years, as far as she was concerned there was nothing she did not know about the man she'd married, he was to her the most honest man on earth and she couldn't have asked for a better man. Sadly though some of us had seen her man on some occasions with different women and even though people tried to warn her, as far as she was concerned they were the enemies. By the time it got to her wedding, she barely had any friends left, she'd fallen out with anyone who'd tried to warn her about her spouses infidelity. Deception or duplicity as it may well be known has always been an issue in dysfunctional relationships, a man has an affair or series of affair and manages to fool his wife or girlfriend into thinking he is completely faithful.
Well, that is what happened with this friend, she came to visit me a year into her marriage and was outraged, a friend had told her that her husband was seeing someone else on a regular basis but as it appears she did not believe what she was told. Tell me something I hadn't already known... but yet I had to keep my nose out of her business, after all I was single and she was married, the last thing I needed was to be accused of wreaking a home.
Why is this the case? what in God's name is love? is it real?
Well, I've heard many people say that when you truly love someone, it is hard to ever see any wrong in what they do, You love them to bits and want to believe that they love you back. Wow! "A friend comes up to you and tells you that she thinks your husband is leading a double life, how dare she... what level of insanity and resentment would make someone, your so called friend to tell you such an ugly lies... lies?" she'd complained. What can I say? I stood speechless because I know that she would not want to know what I was thinking. This friend would not be the first neither would she be the last but was it my place to tell her what she'd already known? well I didn't think so. What are you so afraid of then? why are you jumpy and defensive? I wondered at least investigate otherwise you'll end up being frustrated and alone, well that was what happened. She fell out with everyone who tried to warn her and now I was the only friend she had and was now weary of her as well so after her last visit I lost contact with her. I met her at the shopping mall three years later and she looked a lot different. We went to a near by coffee shop for a quick chat. "How's your husband?" I asked tentatively. "What husband?" she barked. I looked at her finger and noticed that she was no longer wearing her wedding ring.
She caught him in bed with her neighbor and because of how engrossed they were in lovemaking or whatever the activity was called, neither one of them knew when she entered the room, she went away quietly and went shopping for a sexy nightie, that night she cooked his favorite meal and gave him the time of his life, it was no wonder he got completely worn out and she castrated her husband whilst he was asleep and flushed his manhood down the toilet just so he doesn't get it patched up. I felt sick as she told me. She had been in a mental institution for two years and had only just been discharged. She could get on with her life now but her ex lost his manhood for life.
Men or deceptive spouses, beware! When you multi date you are surely heading for destruction! one white lie leads to another and before you realize it a large web of lies is knitted around you. You've been getting away with your lies too many times that you begin to assume that you are a genius and then things get out of control and that is when the insanity begins. Duplicity could destroy you. It is a fact that hell knows no fury like the rage of a woman who has been betrayed. Driven to the state of insanity, this friend castrated her lying, cheating husband and even though it was a horrible thing to do, the fact is that he brought it upon himself, now I bet he doesn't feel that cool about himself; so you see, duplicity does destroy lives on the long run.
Monday, 30 April 2007
Friday, 27 April 2007
Dealing With Abusive Relationships
Unveiling The Mind of Abused Women
It is all my fault!
Women often blame themselves when they get beaten up by their men, if only I'd listen to what he wanted, if only I hadn't talked back, I provoked him; she'll say and just to confirm her assumptions he'll say "You made me do it... you know that I am not like that, I'll never do anything to hurt you, I love you" she breaks down in tears because he's said exactly what she wanted to hear. Admitting her fault, biting down on her lower lip that is now bloody from the slap; she nods in agreement and with his arms wide open he continues to outline her fault "you know I'll never hit a woman, it would never happen again" she runs into it to be comforted. He still loves me, I provoked him!! I'm such a stupid cow, I must improve my behavior to make him love me even more. She convinces herself.
He Controls Your Money!!
Control is always the main issue with violence, abuse and intimidation. You work and earn but do not have control over your own money. He has unlimited access to your account, he knows your password, pin number and monitors how much goes out of your account but you are content because you assume that he deserves to know everything about you. Why then do you not know anything about him, his money, his ambition and fears? Dare I ask... have you been bold enough to confront your partner about money issue? Had he given you the kind of answer you were expecting. Do you even know how much he earns or dare to ask what he does with his money or the money he takes out of your account? I DON'T THINK SO!!! but because you love him too much, you don't see this as a fault and it may never even cross your mind to ask and when you do, you would get beaten up anyway, so you find that you cannot win. It is cruel to go through such pain. You have to ask for permission to access your money and give account of every penny you spend. Your money is his money but his money is his money he believes and that is the logic behind his behavior.
He Cheats On You!!
You find out and dare to confront him about it
"How dare you!!!" he snares charging at you "You should be lucky that I'm still with you, do you know how many women there are out there lining up to be in your shoes?" You get a slap, a kick or worse just for standing up for your right. He storms into the room to pack some things and then just before he leaves he says "Just look at yourself, do you really think you would get anyone like me? You are so... so ugly, fat useless cow. Find something to do instead of listening to useless gossip, the house is a great mess, clean it up... idiot" and with that he storms out. He is seen in town with this other woman but when friends contact you with the news you don't want to know, you may even take out your frustration on them. He disappears for days or even weeks and then shows up acting as though nothing had happened. You continue to fuss over him just to keep with you. At this point you have no self esteem left, you're slim but he says you are fat and so you start to starve yourself to become the sort of woman he likes but he takes no notice and continues to criticize you. Nothing you do pleases him, he doesn't want you but would not let you go. You are too scared to try to leave and would actually not want friends and family to know anything about the abuse, the last thing you want is for your friends to pity you because it drives you further down. You change your hair, make yourself up when he's around, cook his favorite foods, try everything within your power, still no change.
But why did we have to put up with all that nonsense?
Fear? Love? The giving nature that makes it difficult to say NO! are characteristics that many victims of domestic violence have in common. Many women like me would hold on to their man no matter what, the need for a perfect life makes it all the more difficult for them to open up, then there is the shame of being identified as a victim then the worry of what people would think of them. Sweeping everything under the carpet, they conceal the bruises with foundation and high collar clothes and walk around with big smiles on their faces when in public because they want people outside their marriage to see them as a perfect family.
It is all my fault!
Women often blame themselves when they get beaten up by their men, if only I'd listen to what he wanted, if only I hadn't talked back, I provoked him; she'll say and just to confirm her assumptions he'll say "You made me do it... you know that I am not like that, I'll never do anything to hurt you, I love you" she breaks down in tears because he's said exactly what she wanted to hear. Admitting her fault, biting down on her lower lip that is now bloody from the slap; she nods in agreement and with his arms wide open he continues to outline her fault "you know I'll never hit a woman, it would never happen again" she runs into it to be comforted. He still loves me, I provoked him!! I'm such a stupid cow, I must improve my behavior to make him love me even more. She convinces herself.
He Controls Your Money!!
Control is always the main issue with violence, abuse and intimidation. You work and earn but do not have control over your own money. He has unlimited access to your account, he knows your password, pin number and monitors how much goes out of your account but you are content because you assume that he deserves to know everything about you. Why then do you not know anything about him, his money, his ambition and fears? Dare I ask... have you been bold enough to confront your partner about money issue? Had he given you the kind of answer you were expecting. Do you even know how much he earns or dare to ask what he does with his money or the money he takes out of your account? I DON'T THINK SO!!! but because you love him too much, you don't see this as a fault and it may never even cross your mind to ask and when you do, you would get beaten up anyway, so you find that you cannot win. It is cruel to go through such pain. You have to ask for permission to access your money and give account of every penny you spend. Your money is his money but his money is his money he believes and that is the logic behind his behavior.
He Cheats On You!!
You find out and dare to confront him about it
"How dare you!!!" he snares charging at you "You should be lucky that I'm still with you, do you know how many women there are out there lining up to be in your shoes?" You get a slap, a kick or worse just for standing up for your right. He storms into the room to pack some things and then just before he leaves he says "Just look at yourself, do you really think you would get anyone like me? You are so... so ugly, fat useless cow. Find something to do instead of listening to useless gossip, the house is a great mess, clean it up... idiot" and with that he storms out. He is seen in town with this other woman but when friends contact you with the news you don't want to know, you may even take out your frustration on them. He disappears for days or even weeks and then shows up acting as though nothing had happened. You continue to fuss over him just to keep with you. At this point you have no self esteem left, you're slim but he says you are fat and so you start to starve yourself to become the sort of woman he likes but he takes no notice and continues to criticize you. Nothing you do pleases him, he doesn't want you but would not let you go. You are too scared to try to leave and would actually not want friends and family to know anything about the abuse, the last thing you want is for your friends to pity you because it drives you further down. You change your hair, make yourself up when he's around, cook his favorite foods, try everything within your power, still no change.
But why did we have to put up with all that nonsense?
Fear? Love? The giving nature that makes it difficult to say NO! are characteristics that many victims of domestic violence have in common. Many women like me would hold on to their man no matter what, the need for a perfect life makes it all the more difficult for them to open up, then there is the shame of being identified as a victim then the worry of what people would think of them. Sweeping everything under the carpet, they conceal the bruises with foundation and high collar clothes and walk around with big smiles on their faces when in public because they want people outside their marriage to see them as a perfect family.
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